The Ode to Golf (& Many More, see below)
[To be read by a close group of golfing friends as you share a fine bottle of Scotch or a favorite pint.]
A Wee Scottish Tale
In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, and rather small.
Oh how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.
By its size I could not guess,
The awesome strength it does possess.
But since I fell beneath its spell,
I’ve wandered through the fires of hell.
My life has not been quite the same,
Since I chose to play this stupid game.
It rules my mind for hours on end,
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has made me curse and made me cry,
And hate myself and want to die.
It promises me a thing called par,
If I hit it straight and far.
To master such a tiny ball,
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses,
And does exactly as it chooses.
It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies,
And disappears before my eyes.
Often it will have a whim,
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land,
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul,
If only it would find the hole.
It’s made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up.
And take to drink to ease my sorrow,
But the ball knows… I’ll be back tomorrow
WHY I DON’T USE A CADDY…(besides not wanting to pay for one)
Golfer: “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes. You miss the ball much closer now.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy: “I don’t think so. That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy: “It’s not a watch. It’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?”
Caddy: “It’s very good, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Number : 3
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off,
The historic best is:
Golfer: “Why can’t I make better shots?”
Caddy: “It’s the shit on the end of your club.”
Golfer looking at the face of his cub: “I don’t see anything.”
Caddy: “The other end!”
Incredible Performance by Dustin Johnson
Scottish Golf Sign (An actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland)
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER-WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE! NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF!!
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
A two-foot putt … who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
1 = the putt
2 = the hit with the dropped putter
3 & 4 = the 2 shot penalty for the ball hitting his elbow You have to see this to believe it, it is really short
In 1923: Who was the :
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days. 80 years later, the history asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.. The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
However!!! In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral: screw work. Play golf.
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf ! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip …your life is in trouble.
Golf ers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf ‘s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots in Golf are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs’ Golf bag is the pencil.
They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
A Golf Widow every red blooded male golfer would be proud to have:
“When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband is sure to visit my grave.”
Golfing Buddies: True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
“My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren’t done. Can’t you see I’m still in my f****** pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?”
“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”
GOLF is an Addictive Sport: “Golf is forever changing. There is never the same problem twice. That’s the glory of golf.”
If you plan to play the Old Course at St Andrews (Home of the R&A), you need to listen to this Amazing Collection
Thank you for this submission by Chris Stoate
On Robin William’s passing: Gary Player Tweeted: RIP Robin Williams, Oh Captain my Captain, Carpe Diem (re Oscar Winning: Good Will Hunting)
5 minute dialogue by Robin Williams about GOLF:
Who said that a golf ball has little to do with the distance of the hit. This is really wild showing the impact at 150 MPH. Bubba’s speed is 125 MPH, Average Pro is 110 and the average golfer is 90 MPH. Suggest you buy some soft balls and enjoy this game.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
To Warm you up:
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: “Dinnae drink tha waater! Et’s foo ae coo’s shite an pish!”
The golfer replies: “My Good fellow, I’m from England . Could you repeat that for me, in English!?”
The keeper replies: “I said, use two hands – you’ll spill less that way!”
LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TEETH! 🙂
WARMUP EXERCISE WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS
A Rugged Outdoor Woman
During her physical examination, a doctor asked Darlene, a retired woman, about her physical activity level.
Darlene said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
“Well, yesterday afternoon was typical,” she said. “I took a five hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered.”
“At the end of it all, I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!”
“No,” Darlene replied, “I’m just a really, really shitty golfer.”
TRUTHS IN GOLF
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the
more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly
made with this most unusual natural alloy.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and
should be cut down.
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water.
See LAW 3.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the
next group of three.
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of
his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through
the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the
fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS
- Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer!
- Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!
- Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls!
- If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip…..”Your life is in trouble!”
- Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make a perfect shot!
- A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…..neither of whom can putt very well!
- An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse!
- Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game!
- Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you!
- Golf is like marriage. If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive!
- The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil!
David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…
#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07… Foursomes are encouraged, even some threesomes.
#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05… Three times a day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03… If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..
#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
This GAME is Easy! Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in the brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his left elbow pointed in toward the left hip and his right arm loose and closer to the body than the left and take the club head past his right knee and then break the wrists at just the right instant while the left arm is still traveling straight back from the ball and the right arm stays glued to the body and the hips come around in a perfect circle and meanwhile everything is mucked up unless the weight is 60 percent on the left foot and 40 percent on the right – not an ounce more or less – and at just the right point in the turn the left knee bends in toward the right in a dragging motion until the left heel comes off the ground but not too far and be sure the hands are over the right foot but not on the toe more than the heel except that the left side of the right foot is tilted off the ground – but not too far – and be sure the hands at the top of the swing are high and the shaft points along a line parallel with the ground and if it is a downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed downhill too and pause at the top of the swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell ringer yanking a belfry rope and don’t uncock the wrists too soon and pull the left hip around in a circle but don’t let the shoulders turn with the hips – they have to be facing the hole and now transfer the weight 60 percent to the right foot and 40 percent to the left -not an once more or less and tilt the left foot and 40 percent to the right – not an ounce more of less – and tilt the left foot now so the right side of it is straight (that’s the one you hit against) watch out for the left hand, it’s supposed to be extended, but not too stiff or the shot won’t go anywhere and don’t let it get loose or you will hook, then let the wrists un-cock but don’t force them or you’ll smother the shot and don’t break too soon but keep your head down and hit the ball!
THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT…unless you move your head…then you’re screwed!